figuring out that feeling. trying very hard. complex, complicated and confusing. not very sure myself. shouldn't try too hard. coz its not gonna work out anyway. impossible to think it through the night. its not enough. i hear two voices all the time. both makes me cry. one with dissapointment, one with happiness. its up to me to think. its up to me to imagine. its up to me to dream. scary to me. i keep wishing. i keep hoping. to a point where i think eyelashes don't work anymore. as every day pass, the hope becomes slimmer. that ray of light becomes smaller. i want to achieve it. circumstances are not helping. pops out at the wrong time. its a hideous cycle. i'm weak. inside.

i don't want it. not at this crucial time. as i repeat what you say. i feel scared. but i think of it, i should not be feeling this way. its too harsh for me. i can't endure hardship. i'm not as awesome as you thought i'd be. like no shit at all.

intentions with side effects. happy-bad. excitement-dissapointment. never thought of that. outcome was not what was planned. wasn't suppose to end up like that. just burst the bubble. again. gotta try to see it in your direction. thankfully, i see the grey clouds are gone.